Her feelings through a diary
by Euphraini
Summary: What could I do? It was his choice, wasn't it? He didn't even resist. He was a jerk, a liar, a playboy, a stupid, dumb, idiotic... boy yet I fell deeply in love with him. I was suffering but I endured it... at least I tried to." -M.S First Oneshot.


**I know i'm still writing 'A little too late' but i have this story in my head...and a couple other ones too... so i promise i'll update in a day or two. If u kill me now, who's going to be the author?**

**Btw... i dunno all the categories that well so... i'm not sure if the category for this one shot but... yah. I'll leave it.**

_Italics- mikan's diary_

normal- normal actions, feelings expressed thru character

**bold- important words.**

**Bold and underlined- the headings (tells u the place and all that or which pov. )...**

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Gakuen Alice!! **

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**Mikan's pov:**

_Dear diary,_

_It was completely selfish of me. I was lying to you and myself. I should have never gotten my hopes up. He never loved me. I was the only one in love. It was easy to tell though. When he first asked me to be his girlfriend, I was so stupid to actually beleive him._

Everything around me was silent. As I curled myself up into a ball shape, resting my arms on my knees and my head on my arms, I began to cry. All I could hear was my crying. I was crying and choking at the same time.

_What could I do? It was his choice, wasn't it? He didn't even resist. He was a __jerk, a liar, a playboy, a stupid, dumb, idiotic..._ _boy yet I fell deeply in love with him. _**(A/n: drops of tears were on this page of the diary.) **_I was suffering but I endured it... at least I tried to._

The pain was spreading throughout my body. There was one in my head; a headache. Another near my heart. It hurts. How did I ended up loving him so much? How did he ended up being the special person in my life instead me in his? How did he get away with this...

_I feel like crying my heart out. Or I could actually bring my heart out, diary. As the days went on, months passed, years passed, I __developed heart disease. Only Hotaru knows that I have it. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to worry. But now I know that he was never in love with me. _

_So now, I have one question but two choices: life or death?_

**Natsume's pov:**

Maybe I did went a little over bored: kissing that slut in front of her. I never meant to anyways...fine, I did. I paid the slut; no. I didn't even have to pay her. She did it willingly (her giggles creep me out **(A/n: that was natsume, not me k? But her giggles and voice do give me the shivers.)**).

Now I feel a little guilty. Why can't I stop thinking of her? She was my girlfriend. Well, that was in the past... fine, I admit it again. It was just now that I dumped her while kissing a whore...slut.

Eventually, I did push the slut away. So why do feel so empty now? Like a half of me is missing?

I leaned against **my **Sakura tree with my manga on top of my face and started thinking. It was never ours, only mine. Memories came back to me. This was the place I confessed to her. It was also the place where I first kissed her. The place where we used to talk. The place we used to... But that changed a long time ago...

Now, it was the place that killed her; a place that broke her heart and shattered it into pieces. I quickly sat up and slammed my fist into the tree as if I had a bad nightmare.

My manga was no longer on top of my face. It was on my laps. Cherry blossoms danced around me. It reminded me of her: Sakura- cherry blossoms. Tears were threatening to spill but I will not cry. I will never cry. Crying will lead to weakness.

Do I like her? Should I have never treated her the way I did?

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

**Mikan's pov:**

My body ached. My heart ached. The bruise I got from him were still visible as I changed my clothes. Why did I ever fall for him?

_Dear diary,_

_Last night, I cried really hard. I really felt like dying. He is only taking me for granted. I let him boss me around. I only did things for him because I love him. That was yesterday... the past._

_Today, at school, I tried avoiding him. It worked. I can't afford to look into his crimson eyes. It wasn't like he was trying to speak to me either. The love from when he first confessed to now; it's all gone. He gradually started to change. I missed him so much but I can't afford to lose anymore then I already have. I can't._

_I stayed the same at school. I remained cheerful for my own sake and my friends. It never worked on me. Instead, it was hard on me. _

_Today in English, our first block, we learned quotes... actually, I learned quotes. The rest of the class was just fooling around because it was the substitute for Mr. Narumi. There are two quotes that kept repeating itself inside my head._

_1) Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is God's gift. That's why we call it present. - John Rivers_

_2) Don't let your past steal your present. - Cerralea Morgen_

_I tried _**NOT **_let yesterday's incident get to me. I really tried facing my fears. But I can't. I just can't look him in the eyes and smile. _

_Yesterday was when my heart shattered into a million pieces._

_Today, I went to school and pretended like nothing happened and I was not sad that...that...n-__**tear drop**__-atsume_ _broke up with me._

_and tomorrow? I don't know what will happen tomorrow. That's why it's a mystery that no one can ever solve._

"You need a heart transplant. Will you do the surgery?" the Doctor said to me. What happened? I coughed blood and Hotaru spilled my secret of having heart disease. Then I recall nothing else.

"No. I do not want surgery," I answered in a calm voice. Before he get to say anything, I got up and left.

"I'm perfectly fine."

**Nastume's pov**

Mikan didn't tell me she had heart disease. If she did, I would have never hurt her. Imai gave me a glare today and Ruka just shook head. Had they knew?

Mikan was really acting weird. She wouldn't smile at me anymore. I felt uncomfortable. I was the one who had been so selfish. I wanted to apologize but she kept avoiding me.

Right now, I found the answer to my question. I did love her. I had been sorry of all the things I've done to her. Tomorrow I will tell her. I have no chance today.

But I didn't know it was to late.

**That night:- Mikan's pov.**

This is the end. It was night time. The moon was shining. The wind blew and the cherry blossoms danced. The grass swayed. If I'm going to die, I want to die beneath our tree.

"Goodbye, Natsume. It wasn't you that killed me, it was me that killed me; the me who love you to much." I cried.

I was going to die anyways... so why not the sooner the better. Natsume wasn't going to miss me. Hotaru might but... I know I'm being selfish.

The rope was ready for me. All I need to do is tie it together. And so I did; I hanged myself. I couldn't breath. It was painful. But did I fight back? No, because this is what I wanted.

The darkness was all I could see. It was pitch black. Death seemed to be approaching me, saying "Come to me. Isn't this what you wanted? Come, now." It was commanding.

Pictures flashed through my head. Pictures of Natsume. Pictures of him smiling at me. I could see it. I was having so much fun with him.

Tears came out but I struggled a smile. "Goodbye, Natsume" were the last words I said as my last tear drop droped. With that, Death offered her hand. Everything so slow yet so right, like I belonged her in the first place. I took her hand.

She slowly glided me towards her. Then, she reached her arms out and hugged me, engulfed me, consuming my soul, taking away my life.

I realized. That was the end of me.

**The next day:- Natsume's Pov.**

"Oi. Imai, come with me to see Mikan," I said to Hotaru.

"No," she replied as coldly as ever.

Fine. Be that way Imai. I'll just go to the Sakura tree.

Before I got there, I had slipped a note through Mikan's door, telling her to meet me at 'our' tree. I wanted to see her. Now!

I went to the Sakura tree. I couldn't wait to see her. I wanted to confess again. I did love her and I was gathering all my courage to tell her.

Just then, I saw feet. Feet? I ran. I ran to see who it was. It was Mikan. She was hanging. She hanged herself. I didn't know why.

I got her body out of the position she was in. I called Narumi and everybody else.

"Now, now. Is this really important that you have to call me? Not to mention you were skipping class,"is what Narumi said. He was smiling like usual. I could tell. But this is really important.

" Narumi...come right here right now. Mikan's life is in danger. Get the hospital crew also. I found her-" He hanged up. Mikan had always been like a daughter to him. I could tell he wasn't smiling anymore. He rushed here as fast as he could. But Imai was first.

She got here and spotted me. l was kneeling down getting ready to cry. In truth, deep inside, I was already crying.

Narumi soon came afterwards and brought Mikan to the hospital. She was already dead. That's what doctor said. Everyone was really sad.

I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to cry. Not just inside. I wanted actual tears to come out but there was too much people. I ran outside to the Sakura tree, slamming the door behind me. This was my favourite place yet it was the place where Mikan died.

The wind blew lightly and grass swayed. The cherry blossoms didn't dance this time. They stayed still.

I suddenly found a cotton-candy- like, light pink diary with a missing lock. It was the diary I bought her months ago. The wind flipped its pages as I walked closer. It stopped. I took the diary and read the page. I continued reading it. It described how she felt. There were dried tears on some papers. I kept reading it until the end. My eyes widened.

_Natsume. I love you. I have always love you and I always will. But, unfortunately, I have to go. I can lose anymore so I'm giving up. Smile for me if you might read this. _

Why. Why did you leave me before I could confess again. I thought that you loved me.

I then cried. I cried actual tears. I brought the diary closer to me and hugged it.

The blossoms finally danced. Three words seemed to say it all. The wind was whispering "I love you".

"I love you too" I whispered back after crying for a while. Tears were still stained on my face. "will always and forever."

With that, I hugged the diary more tightly.

It will always my special treasure.

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**Well, this is my first one shot. Hope you like it. Plz review... I really want to know what you think of it. You can criticize if you want. Thank you for reading. **

Thank you ppl for reviewing:

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_Thank you everyone!!  
and srry for makin you cry if you did!!_


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